Two of America's dumbest sports had major setbacks this weekend, hopefully pushing them out of relevancy in our fine country forever. Boxing and horse racing have both seen rapid declines in their status for decades, but I've never understood why either one was popular in the first place.
Are we really at a point where the best thing we can do on Saturday night is pay $60 to watch humans punch each other in the face? And I don't want to hear the crap about how it's an "art" or a "science." Ultimately, we are hoping that at least one of the two contestants is beaten beyond recognition and cannot open his eyes at the end of the fight. If it's a truly great fight both men will be in this condition.
I've never seen a bout where at the end, the guys wipe a little sweat
off their brow, put their arm around Doris Burke and conduct a
post-fight interview looking exactly like they did three hours earlier.
(LeBron James: "The referee said, "Not one, not two, not
three...not ten. And all of a sudden I lost!!!)
The greatest fighter ever -- Muhammad Ali -- is a living, breathing example of what boxing can do to a person long-term. But while we all show sympathy for Ali as an individual, nobody has ever stepped up and said, "Hey, you know, maybe this sport where people punch people in the head isn't good for people's heads. Maybe we should get rid of it." We all know Mike Tyson is an idiot, but surely at least a little bit of his ignorance is a direct result of boxing.
The concept behind the sport -- hitting people in the face -- is so stupid that they try to surround the audience with 25 things that are even more stupid so that you don't realize how stupid the sport is that you're watching. Why are these guys coming out in fancy robes? Might as well give them cigars, wine and a recliner in each corner while we're at it. They can both be propped back in their chairs reading National Geographic. When the bell rings, one of them says, "Hey old chap, what say we punch each other in the face for exactly three minutes." Then they do it, and return to their recliners for exactly one minute.
And do we really need the slutty girls carrying the signs that tell you what round we're in? Boxing tries to distract you from a sport that should have been retired 1,000 years ago by showing you sexism that was supposed to be retired 50 years ago. "Oh man, these girls are hot. Yeah, I'd love to pay $60 to see them for 5 seconds on TV. That's way better than paying $5 to see the same thing in Maxim."
Nothing gets me more pumped for a fight than a good ring announcer. Oh wait, I don't care about the ring announcers, and neither does anyone else. Yet they pay Michael Buffer $5 million per fight for the whole "Let's get ready to rumble" schtick that got old in the late '90s.
It's no surprise, then, that a sport so stupid is run by stupid people. Last weekend, Manny Pacquiao punched Timothy Bradley 190 times and got punched 108 times. This isn't a sport where there are RBIs or assists. Punching is literally the only thing you are doing. So Pacman wins 190-108...yet two judges out of three give the fight to Bradley and he wins.
Obviously none of these 108 punches was strong enough to put Manny on the ground or knock him out, so what could possibly be the basis for this decision? I know! The fight was rigged! One cookie for me!
People have been yammering for decades about how corrupt boxing is, and that's been a major reason the sport's popularity has declined. If a fight is even somewhat close, the judges can give it to whoever they want and people will say it's "controversial" but nothing will really happen and everyone moves on. But when a fight is as lopsided as Pacquiao-Bradley (both the ESPN and HBO analysts had it scored 11 rounds to 1 in favor of Pacman), logic would dictate that you just give the fight to Manny even if you were supposed to swing it the other way.
But these guys are so arrogant that they think they can do whatever they want and the dumb public will still keep crawling back for more. After all, that announcer is really cool and those hot chicks are on the screen for 5 seconds every three minutes.
They didn't lose a customer at the Franklin house, because I've never liked boxing. But hopefully they lost a few in the rest of the world.
Going toe-to-toe with boxing for Dumbest Sport on the Planet is horse racing.
I'm not into track and field, but it seems like the people who are into horse racing should be into track and field instead. I can see the simple pleasure in lining up 10 people, having them sprint to a line 100 meters away, and seeing who's the fastest. But track is way less popular than horse racing, and I don't understand why.
Me: "Why do you prefer horse racing to track?"
Horse racing guy: "Because I like to bet on the horses."
Me: "Wouldn't it be smarter to bet on the humans, who are probably more consistent than horses and, if they are in a bad mood or didn't like their oats that day, could actually communicate that to someone so that you could maybe bet on a different runner?"
HRG: "I prefer to bet on a mammal ridden by midget with a whip. I do a lot of research. I'm not just making my bets willy-nilly. Of course, there's always a chance the horse could jump over a rail for no reason or have to be shot 30 minutes after the race. That's the thrill. Besides, all the track stars are on steroids."
Me: "Evidently the horses are on steroids too. The trainer of I'll Have Another, Doug O'Neill, has been busted like 15 times for doping the horses."
HRG: "But he hasn't been busted for doing anything to that particular horse."
Me: "Which is exactly why he pulled him out of the Belmont on Saturday when the horse had a chance at the Triple Crown. Didn't want to get busted."
HRG: "You just made that up."
Me: "Yes I did. But you have to admit it's kind of shady."
HRG: "You know what else is cool about horse racing? They pay the good horses millions of dollars to have sex with other horses."
Me: "Actually, that's really stupid."
HRG: "I know. It's awesome, right? You know what else is awesome? Everyone drinks mint juleps at the Kentucky Derby!
Me: "I don't know what a mint julep is, but I'm sure it represents the social elite of a backwards state very well."
HRG: "I know! It's awesome, right? Ima go bet on another horse now. See you later."
Dear boxing and horse racing,
Don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.
Signed,
Me
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
Lucky Life, Unlucky Fall
A couple of weeks ago I was playing tennis with Chad. I was up at the net, and he hit one over my head. I backpedaled to get it, and as I was hitting it back I tripped over my own feet. Instinctually, I threw my left arm back to brace my fall. The concrete was less than forgiving, resulting in the nasty bruise on my arm and a matching one on my left hip. I wish there was video of it, because I'm sure it looked pretty funny.
I thought I had broken something, but the X-rays came back negative. Nevertheless, for the first 48 hours after the injury I couldn't move my left arm at all without extreme pain. Now, almost two full weeks later, it's definitely better but still a long ways from normal. Some very simple movements cause very sharp pain, I still can't lift more than a couple of pounds with my left arm, and I can't sleep on my left side because of the pain in my hip and arm.
Before the fall, I was doing some form of cardio 4-5 times per week. Tennis one to twice a week, basketball once or twice a week, and running a couple of miles on the other days. For the first week after the fall, I wasn't able to do anything, and since then I've only been able to run on the elliptical, with my left arm pinned to my body. Tennis, basketball, or real running are out of the question. Even writing this blog isn't a pain-free experience.
The point of this isn't for you to feel sorry for me. I have been blessed beyond measure in every aspect of my life. But this injury has given me a much better perspective on life.
It's amazing how much stuff I took for granted. Simple tasks like shaving, shampooing and driving a car became very difficult and painful in the blink of an eye. I still can't do turning motions with my left wrist, so when I drive I have to turn the wheel with only my right arm. I can't push or turn the lawn mower, so my wife has to do our lawnwork until I get better.
I've twisted my ankles several times, but this is the first time in my life I've had an arm injury like this (the ankle stuff isn't fun, but after hobbling around for a couple days they heal pretty fast). What did I do to deserve 32 years of perfectly convenient life? Nothing, I've just been blessed by the Lord.
Others aren't as fortunate. When someone takes 10 minutes to walk down the cereal aisle in front of me, I get irritated instead of thanking God that I don't have chronic arthritis or whatever might be ailing them. I've been noticing this in a lot of different ways, not always physically. Sometimes other people make decisions that make me mad. Maybe they weren't blessed with the upbringing I had, taught to know the difference between right and wrong.
Instead of focusing on how their decisions or afflictions affect me, I need to be focusing on how they affect them. How much better would my life be if my heart poured out compassion and grace instead of selfishness and complaining?
That's what God's been showing me ever since my accident. Might not apply to you, but I thought I'd pass it on anyway.
I thought I had broken something, but the X-rays came back negative. Nevertheless, for the first 48 hours after the injury I couldn't move my left arm at all without extreme pain. Now, almost two full weeks later, it's definitely better but still a long ways from normal. Some very simple movements cause very sharp pain, I still can't lift more than a couple of pounds with my left arm, and I can't sleep on my left side because of the pain in my hip and arm.
Before the fall, I was doing some form of cardio 4-5 times per week. Tennis one to twice a week, basketball once or twice a week, and running a couple of miles on the other days. For the first week after the fall, I wasn't able to do anything, and since then I've only been able to run on the elliptical, with my left arm pinned to my body. Tennis, basketball, or real running are out of the question. Even writing this blog isn't a pain-free experience.
The point of this isn't for you to feel sorry for me. I have been blessed beyond measure in every aspect of my life. But this injury has given me a much better perspective on life.
It's amazing how much stuff I took for granted. Simple tasks like shaving, shampooing and driving a car became very difficult and painful in the blink of an eye. I still can't do turning motions with my left wrist, so when I drive I have to turn the wheel with only my right arm. I can't push or turn the lawn mower, so my wife has to do our lawnwork until I get better.
I've twisted my ankles several times, but this is the first time in my life I've had an arm injury like this (the ankle stuff isn't fun, but after hobbling around for a couple days they heal pretty fast). What did I do to deserve 32 years of perfectly convenient life? Nothing, I've just been blessed by the Lord.
Others aren't as fortunate. When someone takes 10 minutes to walk down the cereal aisle in front of me, I get irritated instead of thanking God that I don't have chronic arthritis or whatever might be ailing them. I've been noticing this in a lot of different ways, not always physically. Sometimes other people make decisions that make me mad. Maybe they weren't blessed with the upbringing I had, taught to know the difference between right and wrong.
Instead of focusing on how their decisions or afflictions affect me, I need to be focusing on how they affect them. How much better would my life be if my heart poured out compassion and grace instead of selfishness and complaining?
That's what God's been showing me ever since my accident. Might not apply to you, but I thought I'd pass it on anyway.
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