I Had to Pee Again

I would apologize for the toilet humor you're about to read, but you are knowingly clicking on a story titled, "I Had to Pee Again," so it's pretty much your own fault if you are offended. Also, I see no need to change the picture of the girl doing the throw up thing, which has been up for the last two blogs. Seems to apply to this one as well.

Last weekend I was covering a football game for my old newspaper in Lawton. I've been having some problems with my laptop lately, so I brought along a zip drive in case worse came to worst and I needed to send my story from someone else's computer.
I had put the zip drive in my pocket before I left for the game, and I had forgotten about it since I don't normally bring it and I wasn't expecting to need it. It was just there in case worse came to worst.
(By the way, where did that phrase come from? Aren't there much more accurate and succinct ways to convey the same message? I mean, if worse really does come to worst, wouldn't you like to save the time it takes to say that? Maybe a simple, "Boy, right now I could really use a saw to self-amputate my right leg which was trapped under this boulder after I slipped while hiking. I tried to pull it out and some other big rocks rolled on top of me and I ran out of water two days ago and now I'm about to die" would work. Then again, maybe "Worse came to worst, could you hand me that flask of whiskey and Swiss Army knife bro?" is the best way to say it. Turns out I was wrong. It is a useful phrase.)

I love how I have wasted several paragraphs talking about my semi-functional laptop, a zip drive and an archaic American English phrase and you are still reading this blog. You got sucked in by my sexy title about having to pee and you just won't give up before I get to the peeing part. I heart you.

So I'm covering this football game and -- guess what? -- I had to pee! OMG I had to pee.
Naturally I decide to check Facebook on my phone while I did this. You haven't lived until you've updated your status while urinating. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "streaming content."
Anywhooo, I take my phone out of my pocket and the ole zip drive does a double pike, three-quarter twist into the toilet with minimal splash. (If I were a diving judge, I'd give it a 1. Get it?)
Anywhooo, this is a good news/bad news situation. Except it's basically all bad news. Bad news #1 is that I have some important tax-related documents on this zip drive and I need to retrieve it. Otherwise I'd just flush it. Bad news #2 is that the USB thingy has a protective cover on it, so the drive should work fine when retrieved. Otherwise I'd just flush it. Bad news #3 is that I'm about to stick my hand in a toilet.
The only good news is that I had yet to start my business, so at least I only had to plunge my hand into "clean" toilet water to retrieve the drive.
I got the zip drive -- never needed it of course -- and that's the end of the story. I did check the drive later and all my tax documents are still on it, so there's something.

I feel a little bad about wasting lots of space on a story that could have been told in about three sentences, so I'm going to give you another story, free of charge and free of long digressions on archaic American English phrases and pee pee puns.

This is the story of the first football game I ever covered after graduating from college. I got hired by the Lawton Constitution to replace Herb Jacobs, a retiring columnist who had been with the paper forever. I'm 22 and the ink has barely dried on my degree. My first assignment is OU's season-opening football game against Tulsa.
This game was at the University of Tulsa, which isn't used to hosting nationally prominent schools like OU. The press box was extremely crowded, and there were more people than seats. Some members of the media had what amounts to standing room only credentials. They would only get to sit if someone didn't show up, otherwise they had to stand in the back of the press box.
The seats are all assigned. Because newspapers are the oldest form of journalism, they get the best seats at the football games. (Maybe that's not the reason, but I can't think of a better one. I've always thought it was stupid that the Lawton Constitution, with our 25,000-ish circulation, got better seats than any of the Oklahoma City TV or radio stations, who have immensely larger audiences. For several years, whenever Sports Illustrated would send Austin Murphy or Phil Taylor to cover an OU game, they would be seated right next to me -- and I would be the one closer to the 50-yard line.)
So I get to the press box and try to find my seat. Can't find it. Like I said, this press box was quite small, so it didn't take long to scan all of the seats. Each seat has a placard with the name of the organization on it. I saw that papers like Enid and Muskogee, which are smaller than Lawton, had seats, so I knew I had a seat somewhere. I wanted to get to it ASAP so I could set my laptop up, make sure the wireless connection worked fine, etc. I also wanted to eat my free meal there before the game started.
There was a seating assignment list taped to the wall. I go over and see that the Constitution has a seat. It's the first seat on the second row. Easy enough.
I go over there to find that my seat has a briefcase, a notepad, some pens and possibly some hard candy strewn across it. Nobody is in the seat. I walk back over to the assignment list and confirm that this is my seat. I take notice of whichever paper was seated next to me. I go back and confirm that the seat next to the one I think is mine belongs to whichever paper it was supposed to belong to. So I brush aside the pens and notepads to look at the placard noting whose seat it was.
The words "Lawton Constitution" had been marked out by a black Sharpie. Scribbled beneath them, with the same black Sharpie, was "DEAN BLEVINS, KWTV-9. I AM NOT RETIRED."
Dean the Dream.
While I'm trying to process how big of a jerk Dean Blevins is, he walks up with a bunch of food in his mouth. As he starts to sit down, I say, "Dean, my name is Matt Franklin and I'm with the Lawton Constitution. I tried to retire but they said I have to work there longer than three weeks to be eligible." (OK I didn't really say that last line.)
He said, "Oh, I didn't know they had replaced old Herbie." He introduced himself and shook my hand, then picked up his stuff and went straight over to the University of Tulsa people to complain about how he didn't have a seat. I have to admit that it's pretty funny that a rookie reporter from Lawton and some random newspapers from rural Oklahoma got seats in the press box, but not the #1-rated television sports anchor in Oklahoma City. Then again, maybe he was being penalized for trying to play God with the seating assignments.

Two things happened as a result of that encounter.
1) At every OU football game, press conference, or on any occasion I would run into Dean Blevins, he would greet me the same way. An overly enthusiastic, "Hey bud! How you doing?" I was always bud.
2) One of my friends in the sports TV business hated Dean Blevins with an unquenchable passion. He had a couple of similar Dean the Dream stories. I told him my story the night before an OU/Texas game in Dallas. He got so worked up after hearing my story that he texted someone from KWTV and found out which hotel room Dean was in, and ordered a 4 a.m. wake up call. That prank got quite a few laughs, so he continued it every time we were on the road and they had a media hotel (Big 12 championship games and bowl games, mainly).
This guy did a really good Dean impersonation, and this is what the wake-up requests would sound like:
"Hi, this is Dean Blevins, room (whatever the number was). I'm on TV so I'll need to wake up really early to put on my makeup and my suit. Could you give me a wake-up call at 4 a.m.? That's 4 a.m., right on the nose. Please don't be late. Thank you so, so much."
Was waking Dean Blevins up at 4 a.m. three times a year cool or just mean? I'll put up a poll, but I'm not sure I trust the opinions of anyone who just spent 5 minutes reading a blog about me having to pee. :)