Couldn't sleep the other night, so I was tinkering with blog ideas while I was lying there in bed.
I started thinking of some of my favorite stories from fast food restaurants.
Maybe it's because you just run into a different flock of people at a fast food place. Maybe it's because nobody really wants to be in there; more than that nobody wants to be seen in there. Maybe it's because there's no pride in the place so everyone treats it like a dump. For whatever reasons, some really funny stuff happens at fast food joints.
So the other day, when I couldn't sleep, I started jotting down some of my favorite fast food memories. A lot of it is just me and my friends being stupid; it doesn't really have anything to do with the establishments. Anyway, here they are.
Subway: I went to a Subway a few months ago wearing a humorous T-shirt. I was the only one in the store, and I walked right to the counter and started looking over the menu to see what I wanted. The lady behind the counter was probably a couple of years younger than I was. She said, "Your shirt is funny. Are you married?"
You can't even wait to find out if I want white, wheat or Italian Herbs and Cheese bread???? After I told her that I was married, she continued her flirting until I commented that my wife probably just wanted her cold cut trio, not the combo meal that included chips, a drink and marital infidelity.
Johnnie's Charcoal Broiler/4th Street Burgers: RIP 4th Street Burgers in Moore, which closed a long time ago, but it was awesome. It was one of our favorite lunchtime choices back in the Westmoore High School days. What 4th Street Burgers and Johnnie's have in common is that at both restaurants, you place your order, give them your name, and then they call it out over the PA.
Being bright high school boys, we figured out that since we ordered at the same time, our food would be ready at the same time, and they'd be announcing our names at the same time. It would be boring if they just announced, "Matt. Chad. Kevin." So we always came up with a different set of names to give them that would sound funny over a PA if said at the same time. Sometimes it was hard to keep a straight face and tell a 60-year-old woman that your name was Bert, but it's easier than being the guy after him who says his name is Ernie. I don't remember very many of the names we gave, but we usually got a decent laugh out of the crowd and a dirty look from the old lady behind the counter.
KFC/Church's Chicken: Along the same lines of high school immaturity, we once pulled into a Church's Chicken drive-thru and tried to act like we were having a tough time deciding whether to eat there or go down the road to the KFC. Looking back on it now, I'm surprised we didn't just get a 16-year-old who couldn't care less and told us to go on down the road. Luckily, however, we got an 80-year-old lady who was quite detailed in her comparisons of the two restaurants. We remained skeptical, accusing her of just saying those things because she worked there, but she even had a comeback for that.
"I worked for the Colonel for 15 years, and I've eaten a lot of chicken," she said. "Trust me, ours is better." How can you argue with that? We ordered a bunch of chicken, and even though we were being rude and immature, I think we made that woman's day by ultimately believing her and buying the chicken.
Chick-Fil-A: One day not too long ago, I was sleeping in but Missy and Addie wanted us to go to Chick-Fil-A for lunch as a family, so they woke me up after they got back from the gym. For some reason, we needed to leave real soon because of an appointment or something. So I threw on a crappy T-shirt, some shorts, and some flip flops and got in Missy's car.
When we got over there, we realized that I hadn't grabbed my wallet, and Missy didn't have any money on her. There were a few $1 bills on the floor and a decent amount of loose change in Missy's car, and when we counted all the change up we had something like $9.87. We figured we could find something to eat for that amount, and it would be better than driving home and getting money.
I told the cashier our predicament and tried to figure out the best things to order on our budget. Soon, the manager walked over and gave us all free drinks and vouchers for two free chicken sandwiches. I thought, "Wow, that's really nice."
It was very nice, but I soon realized that this guy probably thought we were homeless! After all, I'm looking quite ratty, with mismatched shorts, shirt and bedhead, and Missy's half-sweating and wearing gym clothes! Oh well, I wasn't going to turn down a free sandwich!
McDonald's: I've never really eaten at McDonald's all that often, but when I lived in Lawton before I got married, there was one at the nearest intersection to my apartment.
One night, I planned to go through the drive-thru on my dinner break to grab something to take home to eat, but when I pulled up the place was closed.
I thought it was quite odd, but I found out what happened a couple days later after talking one of the city's leaders at the gym. He said that while health inspectors were at the restaurant, one of the employees dropped a burger on the ground, picked it up and put it right on the grill!
This shouldn't be that shocking, but my friend told me that all of the employees knew the health inspector was there, he was wearing a badge and the employees had been told in advance that he would be there. You'd think that for one day they could get their act together, but I guess not! The place was shut down for a week or two and then reopened.
Hardee's: Fair warning -- this is pretty gross. When I was in junior high, we stopped at a Hardee's (now Carl's Jr.) on a field trip. One of my buddies bit into his burger and there was a worm in there! We dug the rest of the worm out of the burger, showed it to everyone (especially the girls) and our teacher made us all leave.
I have a few more stories but I guess this blog has been long enough. The other night, after I finished writing down the stories, I got in a really goofy mood and came up with a song. At the risk of exposing myself as an utterly immature idiot, here it is. (Warning: Explicit toilet humor and PG lyrics)
(To the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game")
Take me out for some fast food
Take me out with the crowds
Buy me some Pepto I've got the craps
I don't know if I'll ever get back
Til I poop and puke all my guts out
Coming here was a shame
Cause it's One! Two! Three! Tums I'll need
Won't you pass the Rolaids!!!!!!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
The LeBron Debate
I'm getting a little annoyed about all the crap LeBron James has been catching this week.
Here's a quick recap and the reason for my annoyance.
1) LeBron leads the team in scoring and assists during the regular season and is second in rebounding. After winning the previous two NBA MVP awards, he is second behind Chicago's Derrick Rose.
2) LeBron carries Miami past Boston and Chicago and into the NBA Finals, despite Dwyane Wade basically not showing up for either series.
3) Through 4 games of the NBA Finals, Wade is the team's best player but the Heat is locked in a 2-2 series with Dallas.
4) After Game 3, which ends with LeBron making a behind-the-back pass to Chris Bosh for the winning basket, the media and the LeBron haters say this is "D-Wade's team" because Wade led the team in scoring, and that LeBron only joined Miami so he could ride Wade's coattails to multiple championships.
Then, after he admittedly played far too passively in the Game 4 loss, said haters blamed it all on James. (I guess it's only Wade's team when they win.)
To someone who has been a LeBron fan since he came into the league eight years ago, or to someone who enjoys common sense, this is quite annoying. It's especially annoying since the main hating seems to be coming from the Kobe Bryant fan club.
I posted something about LeBron the other day on Facebook, and the Kobe lovers came out of the woodwork to claim that their guy was superior. Never mind that my post had absolutely nothing to do with Kobe. I guess these guys are used to watching Kobe in the NBA Finals, and now that he is old and irrelevant and not playing in the Finals, they have nothing to do but troll Facebook and bash anyone who likes another player.
Obviously Kobe is a great basketball player. More important -- to the media and his fan club anyway -- he fits the "Jordan mold." He shoots the ball 30 times a game, when he's on he's unstoppable, and he demands the ball at the end of every game.
There's nothing wrong with that. Jordan and Kobe, in that order, are the top two shooting guards to ever play the game. They take over games, and lots of times they win them. But the general deification of Jordan, and to a lesser extent Kobe, has caused people to think that shooting 30 times is the only way to be good at basketball.
Everyone wants to compare LeBron to Jordan and Kobe, but he's simply a different kind of player. Judging LeBron only by how many points he scores or how many pretty fade-away 18-footers he hits at the end of games is like going to an art gallery and only looking at the frames.
LeBron's never going to stack up to those guys simply in terms of scoring. But he's better than either of them as a rebounder and a passer, and his playmaking ability is what makes him different from anyone who's ever played the game.
The whole "decision" thing this past offseason put a bulls-eye on James' back, and his every move has been scrutinized this season. Lots of people who were indifferent or liked him before now hate him, and they're quick to pile on when he underperforms in the playoffs.
But let's take a closer look at what a "bad" game looks like for LeBron and Kobe. LeBron was 3-for-11 for 8 points, but he also had nine rebounds and seven assists. In his worst playoff game ever, he almost had a triple-double!
Let's look at a bad game for Kobe, this one coming in last year's NBA Finals. Bryant was 6-for-24 for 23 points. When Kobe plays bad, he still scores 23 points because he took 24 shots. He shot a lower field goal percentage than LeBron did, but it doesn't look nearly as bad as scoring just 8 points in an NBA Finals game. Thus LeBron becomes a much easier target.
In team sports, players get a lot of credit and a lot of blame for things that are out of their control. Derek Jeter gets lauded as a winner and "The Captain," but how many titles would he have won in Pittsburgh? He got lucky to have spent his whole career as a Yankee, and his reputation has been boosted mightily because of it.
Kobe got drafted by Charlotte, but was traded to the Lakers. How many titles do you think he would have won in Charlotte? I'm going to say zero.
LeBron got drafted by Cleveland, a city that hasn't won anything in any sport since FM radio was invented. He single-handedly beat Detroit (the same team that has just beaten Kobe AND Shaq in the Finals) and took the Cavaliers to the Finals. That, to me, is the most impressive thing LeBron will ever do in his career. Nobody has come that close to winning a title with no help. Yet Kobe fans and LeBron haters labeled him a choker who couldn't win the big one.
Like LeBron, Jordan couldn't get past that final hurdle by himself in Chicago for the first several years of his career. Then the Bulls drafted Scottie Pippen and hired Phil Jackson to coach, and suddenly Jordan is the greatest player of all time.
I keep hearing the word "legacy" in regards to LeBron. Kobe fans love to talk about his. LeBron haters love to say he's destroying his legacy by teaming up with Wade or by having an off game in the Finals.
Here's my take on each player's legacy.
Kobe is a Hall-of-Fame guard who was the best player in the game at one time. That's no small accomplishment. He's won five titles, but his me-first attitude ran Shaq out of town and cost him at least two more (which ironically would have put him ahead of his idol, Jordan). That attitude also led to him being charged with rape. Attitudes are things we can control, as opposed to draft-day trades that happen to land you in Los Angeles with the richest franchise in the league (or in Cleveland with one of the poorest). Nevertheless, Kobe deserves credit for a tireless work ethic and a will to win, two more things he had control over.
LeBron's been getting ridiculous hype since he was 13. His high school games were on ESPN. Most child-star actors or athletes end up being disappointments, addicts, or both, but LeBron has been every bit as good as advertised for eight seasons, all without a single DUI or domestic issue. The worst thing he's ever done is hold a press conference. He's the best player in the game today, and he's going to win his titles, whether he gets one this year or not.
Instead of just looking at a point total or piling onto a guy because he held a press conference, appreciate LeBron's game for what it is. Don't compare apples to oranges. LeBron's game is much more similar to Oscar Robertson and Magic Johnson than Jordan or Kobe, and those guys all played in different eras, which brings up an entirely different debate.
These NBA Finals have been amazing. Every game is coming down to the final seconds. Let's focus on that, instead of making irrelevant Kobe/LeBron legacy comparisons 10 years before LeBron's career is over.
Here's a quick recap and the reason for my annoyance.
1) LeBron leads the team in scoring and assists during the regular season and is second in rebounding. After winning the previous two NBA MVP awards, he is second behind Chicago's Derrick Rose.
2) LeBron carries Miami past Boston and Chicago and into the NBA Finals, despite Dwyane Wade basically not showing up for either series.
3) Through 4 games of the NBA Finals, Wade is the team's best player but the Heat is locked in a 2-2 series with Dallas.
4) After Game 3, which ends with LeBron making a behind-the-back pass to Chris Bosh for the winning basket, the media and the LeBron haters say this is "D-Wade's team" because Wade led the team in scoring, and that LeBron only joined Miami so he could ride Wade's coattails to multiple championships.
Then, after he admittedly played far too passively in the Game 4 loss, said haters blamed it all on James. (I guess it's only Wade's team when they win.)
To someone who has been a LeBron fan since he came into the league eight years ago, or to someone who enjoys common sense, this is quite annoying. It's especially annoying since the main hating seems to be coming from the Kobe Bryant fan club.
I posted something about LeBron the other day on Facebook, and the Kobe lovers came out of the woodwork to claim that their guy was superior. Never mind that my post had absolutely nothing to do with Kobe. I guess these guys are used to watching Kobe in the NBA Finals, and now that he is old and irrelevant and not playing in the Finals, they have nothing to do but troll Facebook and bash anyone who likes another player.
Obviously Kobe is a great basketball player. More important -- to the media and his fan club anyway -- he fits the "Jordan mold." He shoots the ball 30 times a game, when he's on he's unstoppable, and he demands the ball at the end of every game.
There's nothing wrong with that. Jordan and Kobe, in that order, are the top two shooting guards to ever play the game. They take over games, and lots of times they win them. But the general deification of Jordan, and to a lesser extent Kobe, has caused people to think that shooting 30 times is the only way to be good at basketball.
Everyone wants to compare LeBron to Jordan and Kobe, but he's simply a different kind of player. Judging LeBron only by how many points he scores or how many pretty fade-away 18-footers he hits at the end of games is like going to an art gallery and only looking at the frames.
LeBron's never going to stack up to those guys simply in terms of scoring. But he's better than either of them as a rebounder and a passer, and his playmaking ability is what makes him different from anyone who's ever played the game.
The whole "decision" thing this past offseason put a bulls-eye on James' back, and his every move has been scrutinized this season. Lots of people who were indifferent or liked him before now hate him, and they're quick to pile on when he underperforms in the playoffs.
But let's take a closer look at what a "bad" game looks like for LeBron and Kobe. LeBron was 3-for-11 for 8 points, but he also had nine rebounds and seven assists. In his worst playoff game ever, he almost had a triple-double!
Let's look at a bad game for Kobe, this one coming in last year's NBA Finals. Bryant was 6-for-24 for 23 points. When Kobe plays bad, he still scores 23 points because he took 24 shots. He shot a lower field goal percentage than LeBron did, but it doesn't look nearly as bad as scoring just 8 points in an NBA Finals game. Thus LeBron becomes a much easier target.
In team sports, players get a lot of credit and a lot of blame for things that are out of their control. Derek Jeter gets lauded as a winner and "The Captain," but how many titles would he have won in Pittsburgh? He got lucky to have spent his whole career as a Yankee, and his reputation has been boosted mightily because of it.
Kobe got drafted by Charlotte, but was traded to the Lakers. How many titles do you think he would have won in Charlotte? I'm going to say zero.
LeBron got drafted by Cleveland, a city that hasn't won anything in any sport since FM radio was invented. He single-handedly beat Detroit (the same team that has just beaten Kobe AND Shaq in the Finals) and took the Cavaliers to the Finals. That, to me, is the most impressive thing LeBron will ever do in his career. Nobody has come that close to winning a title with no help. Yet Kobe fans and LeBron haters labeled him a choker who couldn't win the big one.
Like LeBron, Jordan couldn't get past that final hurdle by himself in Chicago for the first several years of his career. Then the Bulls drafted Scottie Pippen and hired Phil Jackson to coach, and suddenly Jordan is the greatest player of all time.
I keep hearing the word "legacy" in regards to LeBron. Kobe fans love to talk about his. LeBron haters love to say he's destroying his legacy by teaming up with Wade or by having an off game in the Finals.
Here's my take on each player's legacy.
Kobe is a Hall-of-Fame guard who was the best player in the game at one time. That's no small accomplishment. He's won five titles, but his me-first attitude ran Shaq out of town and cost him at least two more (which ironically would have put him ahead of his idol, Jordan). That attitude also led to him being charged with rape. Attitudes are things we can control, as opposed to draft-day trades that happen to land you in Los Angeles with the richest franchise in the league (or in Cleveland with one of the poorest). Nevertheless, Kobe deserves credit for a tireless work ethic and a will to win, two more things he had control over.
LeBron's been getting ridiculous hype since he was 13. His high school games were on ESPN. Most child-star actors or athletes end up being disappointments, addicts, or both, but LeBron has been every bit as good as advertised for eight seasons, all without a single DUI or domestic issue. The worst thing he's ever done is hold a press conference. He's the best player in the game today, and he's going to win his titles, whether he gets one this year or not.
Instead of just looking at a point total or piling onto a guy because he held a press conference, appreciate LeBron's game for what it is. Don't compare apples to oranges. LeBron's game is much more similar to Oscar Robertson and Magic Johnson than Jordan or Kobe, and those guys all played in different eras, which brings up an entirely different debate.
These NBA Finals have been amazing. Every game is coming down to the final seconds. Let's focus on that, instead of making irrelevant Kobe/LeBron legacy comparisons 10 years before LeBron's career is over.
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